The World's Gone Batshitcrazy

I have an irrational fear of hiccups. Every time I get them, I am convinced they will never go away and I will live the rest of my life, hiccuping. I get so upset that I will do anything to make them go away. And without fail, I practically give myself a panic attack. Which of course, makes them worse. My irrational fear became a rational fear, when the “hiccup girl”  became famous some years back for hiccuping for several months straight.

My once irrational fear, was now a rational fear. And I feared I could be next. 

A few years after the Hiccup Girl became a national sensation, she was back in the news… for allegedly murdering someone during a botched robbery attempt. Her mother blamed the “curse” of her hiccups for turning her sweet daughter into a horrible monster.

Nothing good comes from hiccups.

I got the hiccups today. They only lasted for about 10 minutes. It felt like an eternity. I wrote out my will.

Dramatic? Nah.

Fuck that movie. Fuck you Rachel McAdams. Fuck you Ryan Gosling. Fuck you too, James Garner and Gena Rowlands. Yeah, I said it. Fuck you for ruining my perfectly enjoyable evening out with friends. I came home to find your stupid movie on. It had just started. I fuckin’ got sucked in. Oh, I knew what I was in for. “Only 20 minutes more” I kept telling myself at each commercial break. I’ve seen this fuckin’ movie enough times to know what will happen when I get to the end. Yet fuck me, 2 hours later, I’m crying. Crying like a stupid baby. Fuck you ABC Family for ruining my evening by laying in a pool of my own tears wishing love like that could truly exist. Fuck you Nicholas Sparks for ruining every girl’s sensible dream of meeting a guy who is just fine enough, and settling. We’re supposed to be finding our soul mates? The one who for years we can’t stop thinking about and then magically come back into our lives and live happily ever after? Shit, we even die together holding hands in bed? Fuck you.

This movie should be rated NC-17. Girls should not be able to watch this movie without an adult present. No young woman should go into her formidable years believing any of this will happen to them. And to those idiotic women who choose to watch this fuckin’ movie over and over again, and cry like a fool cause its just so god damn beautiful to watch because OMG they love each other sooo much and cannot live without each other and OMG soul mates DO exist and OMG I fuckin’ love this movie and want to watch it again, right now… gotta go! bye!

P.S. Ryan Gosling… CALL ME!