The World's Gone Batshitcrazy

Mankini made it, but Moobs hasn’t?! Blasphemy. Until ‘Moobs’ is officially added to the dictionary, I will not be satisfied…

popculturebrain:

6 Ridiculous New Words Added To The Oxford English Dictionary | Buzzfeed

• Jeggings
• Sexting
• Woot
• Retweet
• Cyberbullying
• Mankini

Pity Taco= when your asshole co-workers forget to include you in their Taco Bell run. You find them in the kitchen eating delicious tacos. You yell, you cry. They offer you a taco. You refuse… your pride is not worth a taco! They offer again. You reconsider… who cares about your pride?! Yum. Pity Taco.

Recently, I was dating a guy for a while. Nearly 6 months to be exact. Things were going well. I wasn’t sure if he was the ONE but I knew I was really happy and enjoying the time we spent together.

Close to the 6 month mark, I started feeling distance from him. I approached him. My women’s intuition was dead on; something had changed for him. Basically, he sat me down and told me that he never believed in true love. That he had always dated girls that were great, he enjoyed being with, but never believed in the whole true love bs. Until now. He found his “soulmate.”

*Disclaimer: that person was NOT me. (Tricked ya, huh?!)

After nearly 6 months of dating, my (non) boyfriend (we never had a title. Sigh…) had met his “soulmate.” And while he was unsure what the outcome would be with this other girl, he was willing to take that chance to find out. Heartbroken, embarrassed, sad… I left that night in tears, and spent several more after that in a haze.

I began to move forward… I even started dating again. I KNOW! Go me!

And then it happened… recently I came to discover he and his “soulmate” were now together. While not 100% confirmed, my 90% assurance and my women’s intuition knocked it well over 100%. (I mean c’mon, they’re pretty much engaged… in my head.)

The emotions came rushing back again. In a huge way. I didn’t know where to turn. My normal go–to tivo full of mind numbing (brilliant!) reality television wasn’t even helping. I couldn’t focus. The thought of talking on the phone to any of my friends about it, was too much. And then I spied across the table, a new issue of an US Weekly.

There, a cover story on Jennifer Aniston’s newest man. A man she in fact may have stolen from another woman after a 12 year long relationship. And like in every article about Jennifer’s love life, there was mention of Angelina & Brad. And I immediately started to feel better. Can you imagine having your heart broken and then having it plastered on every magazine and news show without any way to escape? Brangelina (yeah, they even had a nickname… salt in the wound much?) is now perhaps the most famous celebrity couple in the world. My ex isn’t gracing the covers of magazines each week with the constant reminder that he chose his “soulmate” over me. A huge grin came across my face, knowing I was way better off than one of the biggest celebrities of our time. And while sure, Jennifer is gorgeous, a bazillionaire and all around more fortunate than I am, heartbreak is heartbreak. And I knew Jennifer Aniston had felt it. And probably 1000x worse.

I smiled, realizing my own good fortune. And fell asleep holding my copy of ‘US weekly’ tightly.

Jennifer Aniston saved me that night.

(Ahem, remind me to renew my subscription to ‘US Weekly’)

NEXT UP: What LeAnn Rimes taught me about landing a man (hint: it involves not eating a morsel of food!) 

When I moved my blog from Wordpress to Tumblr some time ago (I can’t remember when, and I’m far too lazy to scroll through my posts) I thought, “Oh… Tumblr seems much more simple. It’ll be a good way for me to feel more comfortable posting more blogs, more often.” Which, of course I didn’t. But it’s only cause my hands were mauled in a terrible dinosaur accident. No, no that’s not true. I’m just a lazy fuck (Do you see a pattern forming here?)

What I didn’t realize is that I would be entering a new world. Or rather a cult. I feel like I have this second life on here. There are jokes, phrases, memes (a term I learned here on Tumblr) that only Tumblr’ers know. I am addicted to scrolling through my dashboard day and night, sharing inside jokes with my fellow Tumblr’ers, knowing no one else, outside the confines of those pages will “get it.”

I always thought of myself as a strong person. I know now that I am not. I’m a follower. And I kinda dig it. Just don’t tell any of my regular friends. I have a reputation to uphold (albeit one of a borderline personality disorder…)

These…

With this card.

Done. I’m yours.

I’ve already broken all of my 2011 New Years Resolutions. Didn’t need those hanging over my head in the new year…

As someone who may never actually get married (Mom, if you’re reading this… plese stop crying. You already have 2 grandkids) it’s ironic I was photographed, seated in the first row of a bridal fashion show. Look at my dumbass head popping into all the pics.

I went for the free cupcakes… don’t judge me.

http://www.marriage.com/blog/uncategorized/front-row-at-jenny-yoo-bridal-collection-fall-2011/

I ate some raspberries from my fridge not realizing till I brought them out into the light that they are molded. Am I gonna die!?!? Ugh. Death by raspberries. How embarrassing…

For Halloween this year I’ve decided to dress up as a gift box. ‘Cause let’s be honest… I’m a gift from God.